Thoughts About Thanksgiving 2007

In years past when I asked myself what it was I was truly thankful for, I always thought of the usual things.

I was thankful I had a good job with a pretty good salary, I was thankful that I had a good group of friends and I was especially thankful for love, given and received.

With everything that has happened over the past two plus years, what I am thankful for, feels so different than before.

I am thankful that this year is finally coming to an end as it has been another hard and painful one for me.

I feel this year was still about death and pain and loneliness and punishment.

I learned when my finance, Mark, died two years ago, what intense sorrow really felt like, what it felt like to be inconsolably alone.

Losing the most important man in my life was devastating, as was discovering that the woman who was my birth Mother, was terminally ill.

I loved my birth Mother and needed so very much to know her, to learn as much as possible about her before she passed away. That was a chance that was never to be, for she died, leaving so much unsaid.

I have learned that as a child, growing into adulthood, the most important people in my life could be hurtful people, and that I always feel I have to have my guard up in order to protect myself from the lessons they put upon me.

I am thankful that I am forgiving, that I am beyond hurting people for the sake of seeing anyone I love, beg me for mercy.

This year I learned to accept that no matter how good a daughter I tried to be to my birth Mother, I will never have the chance to be good enough now, for she is gone from this life, and that chance is forever gone.

She would always find a way to make me feel as though I was nothing. I can not understand why Mothers were given such a power over their daughters. I forgive her for all of it. I truly believe in my heart, she loved me the best way she knew how to love me.

I am thankful I knew my Father. I am thankful I was able to know him before he died when I was in my teens. I am thankful I have memories of him that are worth their weight in gold to me.

I am thankful for my Auntie and Uncle, who raised me as their own child after my birth Mother abandoned me, and after my Father died. They made me believe I was worth something in this world. They made me realize I could do pretty much whatever I set my mind to. They made me feel loved. They have been gone a few years now, but I will forever be grateful to them for all they did for me.

I am grateful that I have two siblings- my sister and brother, who love me as much as I love them. They are my only living family, and I love them dearly.

I am grateful I knew Mark. I am grateful I was blessed with his love in my life. I am grateful for the memories of him, and for the love, support and solace his family continues to show me.

I am thankful to Mark, for having given me a substantial amount of money upon his death. I know that money is just money, and that it does not buy you happiness, but I think that his leaving it to me was his way of telling me I don't ever have to take anyone's crap again. That I can walk away from any negative, hurtful situation.

I would give it all for just one more hour with him.

I am thankful that I am in a position where I can help people, and good, just causes.

I am thankful for laughter, for all the simple pleasures that bring me joy.

I am thankful for friends, some of whom I've never met, who always have caring, supportive words to offer me. They have no idea how much those words mean to me. I am thankful for the people who stand beside me and get mad with me, and for me, and help me fight all the demons, real or imagined.

I am thankful that I continue to be who I am.

No matter who tries to purposely hurt me.

I am thankful that although some hurts I can never forget, I can forgive those who felt it necessary to show me the dark side of their souls.

I am thankful that I can still love freely and that I have not turned into a bitter person, unable to give love, to be generous, to be hopeful.

I am thankful that under no circumstances, no vengeful acts thrown my way, no one can take those qualities away from me.

I am thankful that I still believe that love does conquer all, that my love of family, past, present and future will never fade, and I am thankful that the hope that is deep in my heart, my soul, continues to remind me that the day will come when I will find the happiness, the family, the life that I've always wanted.

For all these things..... I am thankful.

~ Kimberly