KimsWhimsy: Food For Thought Today : Self Esteem, Part 1

What is Self-Esteem?

Most people's feelings and thoughts about themselves fluctuate somewhat based on their daily experiences. The grade you get on an exam, how your friends treat you, ups and downs in a
romantic relationship-all can have a temporary impact on your wellbeing.

Your self-esteem, however, is something more fundamental than the normal "ups and downs" associated with situational changes. For people with good basic self-esteem, normal "ups and downs" may lead to temporary fluctuations in how they feel about themselves, but only to a limited extent. In contrast, for people with poor basic self-esteem, these "ups and downs" may make all the difference in the world.


Poor Self-Esteem vs. Healthy Self-Esteem


People with poor self-esteem often rely on how they are doing in the present to determine how they feel about themselves. They need positive external experiences to counteract the negative feelings and thoughts that constantly plague them. Even then, the good feeling (from a good grade, etc.) can be temporary.

Healthy self-esteem is based on our ability to assess ourselves accurately (know ourselves) and still be able to accept and to value ourselves unconditionally. This means being able to realistically acknowledge our strengths and limitations (which is part of being human) and at the same time accepting ourselves as worthy and worthwhile without conditions or reservations.


Where Does Self-Esteem Come From?


Our self-esteem develops and evolves throughout our lives as we build an image of ourselves through our experiences with different people and activities. Experiences during our childhood play a particularly large role in the shaping of our basic self-esteem. When we were growing up, our successes (and failures) and how we were treated by the members of our immediate family, by our teachers, coaches, religious authorities, and by our peers, all contributed to the creation of our basic self-esteem.


Self-esteem is largely developed during childhood, and firmly entrneched usually around age 12.


Healthy Self-Esteem

Childhood experiences that lead to healthy self-esteem include-

being praised


being listened to


being spoken to respectfully


getting attention and hugs


experiencing success in sports or school


having trustworthy friends




Low Self-Esteem


Childhood experiences that lead to low self-esteem include-

being harshly criticized


being yelled at, or beaten


being ignored, ridiculed or teased


being expected to be "perfect" all the time


experiencing failures in sports or school

People with low self-esteem were often given messages that failed experiences (losing a game, getting a poor grade, etc.) were failures of their whole self.


What Does Your "Inner Voice" Say?

Our past experiences, even the things we don't usually think about, are all alive and active in our daily life in the form of an Inner Voice. Although most people do not "hear" this voice in the same way they would a spoken one, in many ways it acts in a similar way, constantly repeating those original messages to us.

For people with healthy self-esteem the messages of the inner voice are positive and reassuring. For people with low self-esteem, the inner voice becomes a harsh inner critic, constantly criticizing, punishing, and belittling their accomplishments.